Friday, May 7, 2010

Surrendering: Piece for Peace


Over the last couple of days, I have opened up to you and published some very personal posts - in the form of poems as well as sharing my insights and hidden thoughts. I was terrified to do this. I mean, I was terrified. I do have a couple of family members and a friend or two who read my blog. What would they think of me? What would they think of my feelings, my fears, and all of these deep, dark thoughts that I made public for the world to read? I have hid for so long, hid my true feelings, hid the seriousness of my depression, hid the guilt from my mistakes, hid my bitterness for the pain others have caused me. And now, in one day, after years of hiding, I am out, naked and transparent for all to see.

And in doing this, I feel amazing. I feel free, like the world is at my fingertips, like I can go anywhere and do anything and just feel content with who I am. All of those thoughts and worries that were once so insurmountable are now nothing more than scribbled words on a sheet of paper, nothing more than one post following another to document my journey.

Everything I held so deeply inside of me, everything that has been eating away at my soul, is now powerless. It has no hold on me or my decisions or my happiness any longer. I have heard a time or two in my lifetime how therapeutic writing can be. Counselors and wise, old people have told me to "journal my feelings." Finally, I decided to let all my pain out through writing, partly hoping to heal myself and partly hoping to help others. Not only has this writing helped cleanse my soul (any maybe even yours), I now have a beautiful blog that tells a story, my story. All of my pain and shame are now simply pieces of something bigger and beautiful, pieces of a stronger and more beautiful me.

progress.This is truly exciting to me, because I have only just began. And while I did start counseling and getting closer to God around May 2008, it wasn't until the past few months that I really dove in, that I took every ounce of strength I had and put it in God for Him to lead me, and for Him to strengthen me, and for Him to heal me. These past few months have been the hardest and the most rewarding of my entire life. And I have only just began! I have months and months, years and years, no longer to endure and to waste, but to enjoy and to heal, to grow and to love.

I surrendered every piece of me. Now, I have peace in me.

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