Friday, May 21, 2010

Finding My Way While Feeling Down

If you read last night's post, you know that I am feeling down. You also know that I know there are beautiful people and things happening all around me, and I am just not connecting with much of anything outside of my apartment.

This feeling up and then feeling down, well...I just don't like it. I feel crazy. I feel confused. I question how happy am I really during the up times, and why are my "ups" always followed with "downs". I went through my blog and re-read every post to try and get an idea of why my emotions fluctuate. I post my feelings and thoughts and struggles and successes when they happen, so my blog is very accurate with my day-to-day life. The last "feeling down" post was written on April 28th. I've gone about 3 weeks feeling pretty good before the sadness crept into my life again.

To some people, even me sometimes, 3 weeks is not that long of a time to go feeling happy. But to me, this is an accomplishment. My downs used to last 3 weeks, with a few days of feeling okay in between the long stretches of sadness. I see that I have progressed, especially because my down days don't leave me completely immobile. Before, I would just lock myself away in my apartment only to self-loathe for several days at a time. Now, I am able to weather the storm for the most part, and continue with my daily routine and remain being somewhat consistent. But it's still not enough; I'm still so hard on myself during the down times.

I am my own worst enemy. The thoughts that go through my mind about myself are just horrible. A good portion of the time, I tell myself that this is just the depression talking, that these things I think about myself are not true. But sometimes...I really do feel like these things about myself are accurate. People don't like me. I'm different. People are nice to me because they know I need help. People don't really care about me, they just act like they do because they are nice. And so on, and so on.

To me, this negative self-talk tells me that at my core, I am not content with myself. Sure, I have days where the birds are singing and the sun is bright and I get a wild hair up my butt that gets me feeling peaceful and happy with who I am, but it doesn't stay for long. I can count down the minutes until I start feeling down on myself. This is confusing to me because I feel such progress when I think of my recent 3-week stretch of contentment, but I know deep down, that contentment wasn't anchored in my soul. If it was, surely the negative self-talk and the down days would be few and far in between.

So, where do I go from here? I'm not really sure. I do know one thing that is missing in my life is connection with other believers. So much of me wants to hide myself. I don't feel good enough or holy enough to be among healthy, positive people, and I am afraid I will just mess up any spiritual relationship that comes my way. As hard as it is to travel this journey alone, it is also somewhat comforting knowing that I cannot disappoint others and others cannot disappoint me if I am by myself. This completely goes against everything I wrote in a recent post.

Luckily, the weekend is just a few hours away, and I will read and meditate on this confusion I am feeling. I have a little bit of cash for some extra work I did, so I will go to the store tonight and get some yummy, healthy food along with a great-smelling candle, and sit with my loving dog next to the candlelight and have some intimate time with God. Hopefully, my next post will be filled with peaceful and happy insight.

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