Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's Sunday, and I like myself.

Today was the first Sunday of my covenant to God, to my spiritual self, to a very dear friend from church--my convenant to attend worship each Sunday through the end of Lent. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy visiting this church I found; or rather, this church I was introduced to, another perfect accident since living in this unexpected town. But, I felt the need to commit myself to the Lord, and doing so in the presence of another individual provides the accountability I need as well.

The thing with visiting this church, this beautiful sanctuary nestled amongst trees and hills and deer running freely, is that I can come and go as I please, here one Sunday and gone the next. I am just that, a visitor, a wanderer, unsettled and still searching for home. Home where my soul can rest; home where I love and where I am loved. I want my worship of the Lord to be deliberate and consistent, and I want to worship with those who are deliberate and consistent in my life. I want to go home to give praise to the Lord, and to beg for mercy, and to cry for help, and to smile with gratitude. And I want to do it with the same familiar faces and comforting embraces Sunday after Sunday after Sunday. My convenant to the Lord is also the beginning step to making this church my home, and my home this church. I can't describe the way I feel when I enter the just fits.

I spoke to the pastor after church today. I told him about "my journey" I am setting out on--clearing out my attic of a soul, discarding what needs to be thrown away and dusting off and salvaging what needs to stay. His eyes were so bright and his words, although complex and in sentences that seemed to stretch on for minutes at a time, were simple and understanding--comforting. He helped me understand what it means to be on a spiritual journey, things like the necessities of discipline, meditation, prayer, worship, and giving of myself to others. And while I couldn't possibly repeat his exact words, as eloquent and perfect as they were, I can tell you that there is so much to be learned and appreciated and curious about when attending church.

The pastor gave me some simple steps to take, tasks to complete each day, tasks that can easily be completed each day and which will have a meaningful impact in my life. I am excited and energized by what I will experience in the coming weeks and months. And with all of my excitement, I am humbled by knowing every experience is from God, and for God.

I'm getting to know myself, my real self, the self that God created me to be, the self that has been locked away all these years behind depression and self-doubt and regret, sorrow, bitterness.....

This feeling of meeting myself, knowing myself is terrifying - I'm facing myself in the rawest form, vulnerable with all barriers and facades broken down. It's just me, simply and honestly, me. And I'm

1 comment:

  1. This is just BEAUTIFULLY written Kristin! You are a truly gifted writer and I LOVE reading your "simple yet everchanging" life stories!! I feel so blessed to have you as a friend... my Mini-Me!

    With love, Mega-Me