Saturday, March 27, 2010

Pain, Change, and Big Dreams

Clinging on to something that is painful - why do we do it? Why do we continue doing what is bad for us? I heard during an interview on television a man say this: "We continue doing the same old things that are bad for us because change is more painful than the pain brought on from the bad activity. It's only when doing the bad thing becomes too excrutiatingly painful, more painful than "change", that we finally make a change."

Well that answers my question to clinging on, but now I wonder, what is so awful about change? We would rather be miserable than make a change?

It was such a nice day outside, so I took Rowdy in the backyard to play some fetch. While he was running around as happy with his little life as he could possibly be, I started thinking about my own life. What in my life am I truly happy about? What am I satisfied with, and what am I just putting up with?

For my life, I want every aspect about it to bring me as much joy as Rowdy feels every time I throw his ball across the yard. I mean, you should see him - sun shining on his thick black coat, wind blowing through his hair, running at full speed imagining this ball is a rabbit or a cat - he is in heaven! When people look at me going through life, do I look happy, content, and at peace? Or, do I look like I am painfully putting up with life? And more importantly, because looks can be deceiving, how do I feel inside?

I have been saying for at least a year that I don't want to stay in the town I am in. Actually, I make excuses for why I'm still here, saying I like it, it's not that bad, and it's growing on me. I moved here after college with the man I thought I was going to marry and got my dream job. The relationship ended. The job ended. I'm still here. Why? The breakup was quite some time ago, I got another job, but I'm just living a very mediocre life. No kids, no strings, a college degree, and here I am working in a field that was never really of interest to me, but has grown on me. I don't want anything in my life to be growing on me. Average, mediocre, ok for now - and I'm only 27. It's time for a big change.

Over the past week I've been applying to jobs all over the country, jobs that I went to school for, jobs that fit me. And while the real estate business I currently am in can be lucrative, it's not "me". My first job after college was exactly what I wanted to be doing - writing and working on marketing stuff. I loved it. I felt so happy that I found a job doing exactly what I wanted to be doing right out of college. Then...I lost that job. I was heartbroken. And, after about a year's worth of thinking about it, I realized that I am scared! A broken relationship AND a lost job - both of which I loved. I am scared of rejection, scared of the thought of getting something I really love, and possibly losing it. So, I've been painfully just getting by in this town.

Until last week. Just looking through all of the jobs, with all of their qualifications that I have, with all of their responsibilities that I would love to have - it revived me, gave me energy and hope. I realize this "change" isn't so much of a change as it is "getting back to myself". And while their are things about this town that I will miss - my incredible church and the dear people who have worked to help me through my difficult times - I know that I must take a gigantic step forward before my pain becomes too unbearable. While I am here, I will view this town as my launching pad, a place filled with struggles and friends who strengthened me, a place where I can train for my marathon, get closer to God through my amazing church, and realize my dreams.

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